


Freakend

by riot3672



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awkward Boners, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bodyswap, Boys Being Boys, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gender or Sex Swap, Girls' Night Out, Implied Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Sibling Incest, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 12:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4625892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riot3672/pseuds/riot3672
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Pietro and Wanda accidentally switch bodies when sneaking through Tony's lab while he's on a business trip, they have to survive the weekend not only as opposite genders, but with each other's powers. As if the prospects aren't bad enough, it's also Girls' and Boys' Night, Pietro can finally get drunk, and Pietro's powers alone are enough reason to want to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freakend

Tony Stark had rules, but Tony Stark was also very difficult to take seriously. Or, that’s what Pietro had convinced Wanda to think as the two of them slunk through his lab in search of a file. She and Pietro had been arguing for going on ten minutes about when Strucker took them off the hardcore sedatives, and Tony kept a hard copy of whatever notes the Avengers had recovered from Strucker’s experiments in a box somewhere in the technological abyss. 

“Do you think asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. would alert Tony that we were here without his permission?” Pietro asked as his eyes wandered around the lab.

“I think Tony’s security cameras already got that,” Wanda replied. “But maybe F.R.I.D.A.Y. could get us out quicker.”

Pietro nodded. “I got this—F.R.I.D.A.Y. memorized my Pizza Hut order I use her so much.” Wanda bit back a smile as Pietro looked around the ceiling, as if F.R.I.D.A.Y. needed eye contact. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., where do we keep the physical files?”

“I’m sorry,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. seemed to hiccup before saying, “Speedy Petey, information is classified.”

Pietro scowled. 

“I don’t know, Pietro, Speedy Petey is growing on me,” Wanda commented as she started opening and closing cabinets.

Pietro heaved a sigh and started searching alongside her. “Where even is Tony?”

“Out for the weekend. Maybe a business meeting or something.”

Pietro raised a brow. “Isn’t Pepper the CEO?”

“I’m sure Pepper is running the business regardless of who’s CEO.”

Pietro pulled something out of the cabinets, but it wasn’t a file. Not even close.

“Pietro, put that back! All of Tony’s experiments are chemical bombs waiting to happen.” Pietro, instead of putting the damn mystery cube back, pressed a button, causing it to open up, exposing two rods that stuck out on each side and a humming from within. “Oh my God.”

“What do you think it does?” Pietro asked, his eyes wide in child-like wonder.

“I don’t care,” she said as she put her hand on one of the rods and gave it a pull. 

“Hey, stop, you’re being too rough with it.”

He pulled back, and someone’s finger slipped. The machine sent a jolt of energy through them both, knocking them off their feet, the machine crashing to the floor and shattering.

“Great! Now what’re we gonna do?”

Wanda hadn’t said anything, but it was her voice that said that.

She lifted her hands out in front of her, but her rings were gone. In fact, her hands were…not hers. She looked up. 

Her body was sprawled on the floor in front of her. She made eye contact with her body, and both of them screamed. 

“Pietro?” Wanda finally called out after screaming didn’t change the situation. It came out in Pietro’s voice. “Pietro, are you here?”

“I’m here.” He rushed to the side of a cabinet on his hands and knees. She looked from a distance as Pietro’s reflection shone back as hers. “I think…”

They’d switched bodies. Tony’s goddamn invention switched bodies, and they’d broken it. Tony was away for the weekend, and there wasn’t even a guarantee that he could fix everything. 

“Oh my God,” Wanda said, clutching Pietro’s stupid bleached hair. “Oh my God. This is bad, Pietro. This is so bad…”

Her thoughts were racing so fast Wanda couldn’t recall a single one. Her hands were shaking, her heart was beating so fast she genuinely wasn't sure it’d stay in her chest, and it felt so beyond panic. This wasn’t the impatience and anger Pietro always described, this was just a living hell, a defective mind. 

“Pietro!” Wanda called out again. “How do you slow down—?”

Surprisingly, all it took to slow her mind to an absolute halt was one look at what her idiot twin was doing with her body. He sat against the cabinet, mouth a little agape, eyes down, squeezing her breasts. 

“PIETRO!”

Pietro looked up and dropped his hands. “You have these little doll hands. And…how do you not…” He shook his head. “It’s almost better than when I get to touch them.” He ran a hand through a chunk of her hair. “The soft hair, the daintiness. This is great!”

There was nothing like the image of Pietro’s dumb grin on her face to keep her up at night. 

“We have no idea if we can change our bodies back.”

“I’m sure Tony can fix his toy when he gets back. Meanwhile, what’s the harm in a little Freaky Friday action?”

Her heart rate was beginning to drop, and she willed herself to think through this rationally. It would be annoying, but they could fake it for a weekend. The only problem would be…their powers.

“Pietro, try to move the vase on the counter,” Wanda said.

Pietro got to his feet and eyed the vase in question, about ten feet away. He lifted his hand, made a stream of hex energy appear, but when it hit the vase, it shattered.

So they’d gotten each other’s powers, but not the knowledge to use them. And Wanda had just been struggling with containing the more destructive hexes—spontaneous combustion, moving rooms’ worth of objects without thinking, wiping and warping memories. 

They were so screwed.

“O _kay_ , if you can help it, don't use my powers until Tony comes back,” Wanda said.

Pietro laid eyes on her and she put up her arm to hex him, only to remember that she couldn’t. What would Pietro do? Run at her, she supposed. She started running, only for everything to go by in a blur, picking up Pietro with her and slamming them both into a wall. Pietro crawled away rubbing his head, looked at her, and said, “You’re right. We _are_ screwed.”

“C’mon. We can play dumb, lay low. Just stay in our room.”

“As much as I’d deserve the karma, please don’t try to carry me there.”

As if she’d attempt that again. 

They walked to their bedroom, eyes forward, hoping no one would notice them. 

“We’re going to have to fake being each other, aren’t we?” Wanda said.

“Most likely. No one’s going to let us sleep for forty-eight hours.” He pushed her hair out of her face. “Think of it as a learning experience.”

“There’s no way we’ll master each other’s powers in forty-eight hours.”

“Well, considering I now know what your panties feel like, I’d say I can learn enough without even touching your powers.”

She blushed, and was suddenly painfully aware of just how different Pietro’s body was from hers. Forget the bigger hands, longer limbs, higher vantage point, and hair everywhere she kept smooth. As a child, she could remember asking Pietro what it felt like to have a penis, and even if he’d given an answer beyond “I don’t know, normal,” it wouldn’t have come even close to actually having one. Surely most men didn’t think about it, but she was thinking about it, and she could _feel_ every subtle movement. Even the fabric of his underwear brushing against his genitals made her tingly, like she felt when she began to feel horny. How did men do anything if nothing was making her horny already? 

“Wanda, you’re walking like a girl,” Pietro said. “You can’t sway your hips.” He stopped her walking. “Spread your feet apart more, elbows not at your sides, harder strides.” She tried to make all of Pietro’s corrections, but all it did was leave her off balance. “Balance with your shoulders, not your hips.”

Wanda tried a few steps with the shoulders thing, feeling like more of an idiot than shemust’ve looked walking like a girl. “As for you, you’re swaying too much. I don’t walk like I’m on a catwalk.”

Pietro stopped the over-exaggerated walk, and managed a few strides before going full stop. 

“So, I think we should just pretend to be sick all weekend,” Pietro said.

Wanda nodded.

They spent the next several hours flipping between pretending nothing was going on and coaching each other on the nuances of being each other. Somehow, despite being as close as two people could be, Pietro still managed to surprise Wanda with the tiniest of things—specific hand motions he did and didn’t use, where he’ll look when talking to certain people, stuff that she may have noticed but never really _noticed_. She did the same for him. 

They managed to go two hours without anyone bursting into their room. 

Then, of course, Rhodey and Clint came busting through the door.

“Maximoffs, off your asses. We’re gonna give Tony and Pepper the biggest FOMO of their lives,” Rhodey said.

In other words, she and Pietro were going to be utterly destroyed.

“Do we have to change?” Pietro asked.

Clint shrugged. “It’s Guys and Girls’ night, but Nat said something about clubbing, so I might throw on something more flirty.”

There was the tiniest moment where Pietro gave Clint the _what did you say to my sister_ look while she gave him a _could you have less tact_ look, and Rhodey noticed. 

Rhodey shook his head. “Clint, you don’t tell ladies what to wear on ladies’ night.”

Wanda reached for Pietro’s hand and twisted his fingers, all as inconspicuous as possible. He softened his expression, and she pulled away.

“Pietro, Steve’s not letting us actually go anywhere, so just wear something you can move in. We’ll probably go clobber Steve at basketball and order pizza.”

Wanda couldn’t help it. “That doesn’t sound fun at all.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes. “Trust me, we all know.” He looked to Clint. “But, it’ll also prevent ol’ Clint from getting too drunk and breaking a hip. Be ready in twenty.”

Once Rhodey and Clint left, Wanda and Pietro exchanged a look.

“That didn’t sound fun to you, right?” Wanda asked.

“No.” He got up. “Come help me pick out something ‘flirty.’”

#

Pietro had to admit, being a girl wasn’t that bad. Dresses were even better than advertised, long hair kept his ears and neck from freezing, and he was _slow_ again. Plus, Wanda’s powers were so complicated he wouldn’t have been able to figure out how to use them if he wanted. Sure, the high heels Wanda had laid out for him weren’t as easy to walk in as sneakers, but she didn’t wear crazy shoes anyway. 

As if being a girl wasn’t great enough, he could get drunk again. Call it a stupid desire, but he’d been aching to get drunk since he discovered that Strucker’s experiments had made him metabolize alcohol so fast it had no effect. 

This was going to be the greatest night ever. 

He watched as Wanda-as-him very unhappily followed War Machine, Clint, Steve’s original bird boyfriend, Steve, Thor, Steve’s scowly boyfriend, and Vision, wondering what club Natasha, Thor’s girlfriend, and Thor’s girlfriend’s intern decided on (he definitely hadn’t gotten Wanda’s brains, because he bet she knew these people’s names).

Thor’s girlfriend’s intern was suddenly next to him. “They’re all a pretty steady six to ten looks-wise, sure, but let’s face it, we can get better personalities elsewhere. Except for Steve, maybe.”

“Darcy, Wanda, we’re leaving,” Natasha said.

Every single one of them were beautiful, hot in their clothes, and Pietro desperately hoped he could keep up straight girl impressions for them. As much as getting drunk was going to be great, changing everyone’s perceptions of his sister might not be the best way to go. Then again, he couldn’t get boners anymore, so even being discreet wasn’t necessary.

Girls’ Night was held at some kind of combination sushi bar/club, the kind of place Pietro didn’t have the creativity or patience to ever find on his own. They ordered “small plates,” shared everything, and Pietro felt absolutely no qualms in ordering the girliest drink on the menu. Suddenly, he couldn’t care less that he was getting drunk off bright pink poison. 

“So Wanda, how’s the team treating you?” Thor’s girlfriend asked.

How was Wanda… Maybe he should slow down. Halfway through one pink drink and he was having a hard time remembering to keep up his act. Damn his sister’s low alcohol tolerance. 

“Good,” Pietro replied. Now, to elaborate. “It’s just hard with my powers. No one can agree on a training directive.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “In other words, she needs to build roots and the boys just want to prune the branches.”

Pietro really hoped Natasha didn’t keep on that trail, because he had no idea what that meant. 

Thor’s girlfriend—June? Jane? Wait…

He looked into Thor’s girlfriend’s mind, and there it was. Tons of memories of everyone calling her Jane. Hell yeah.

_Jane_ leaned in toward Pietro. “Has anyone dug deeper into the origins of your powers? Loki’s specter held the mind stone, but your powers seemed to have branched beyond what the stone even gave your brother. It’d be interesting to know if some other force got in.”

And those were the kind of conversations Pietro tuned out for. “Nothing’s for sure.”

“How extreme have your powers gotten?”

Well, what kind of unexpected damage had Wanda done to the room while being eaten out? “Oh, you know, spontaneous combustion, making things vaporize, appear, that sort of stuff.” He took a swig of his drink. 

“Jane, we didn’t come here to discuss powers. Don’t you think she gets enough of that from Steve?” Darcy said. 

_Thank you, Darcy._

Darcy leaned into Wanda. “The real question is is which of those meatheads are fighting over you?” 

“And my conversation topic was trite?” Jane retorted, unable to hide a smile.

“Well, you gotta admit, she’s one of two females in the group, and the less scary of the two.”

Natasha shrugged. “I don’t know, the more everyone watches her train, the scarier she becomes.”

“No, but like, Nat, let’s face it: you look like you could kill people, and you would kill people. Wanda here…she may look like she could kill people, but there’s a mushy center not too far from the surface.”

Pietro finished off the drink. “Honestly, I’m not that interested in them.”

_And she’s kind of in a committed relationship, thanks Darcy._

“Fine, I respect that,” Darcy said. “But there are some opinions we all have. Best abs?”

_Pietro fucking Maximoff._

He needed another drink.

“I mean, Steve and Thor look amazing, and even Clint’s okay, but I think my brother wins with the eight-pack.”

Natasha knew about them together, and for all he knew, Jane and Darcy knew too. Why hide it? He could always pull the “I was drunk off one drink” card. 

Darcy shrugged. “You appreciate a good Kit Kat bar.”

Natasha laughed, and Pietro never thought he’d see the day. “Darcy, you know, don’t you?”

Darcy stopped mid-sushi pickup. “Know what?”

Pietro’s new drink came, and in his resistance to chug the thing, he managed to get a healthy gulp in before Natasha said, “That she’s got her Kit Kat and eating it too?”

_Fuck these metaphors_ this was the greatest night of his life. Pietro choked on his drink laughing.

“Are you okay?” Jane asked.

Pietro wiped the tears off his face and evened his breathing. “Sh-i-i-it.”

“That’s your last drink, Baby Bear,” Natasha said, smiling a bit.

Natasha didn't have a cute nickname for _him_. 

“Damn, Wanda, I’m sorry. I forgot about you and your brother doing the do,” Darcy said. “I’m sure Pietro does have the best abs, though.”

Natasha honestly didn’t let him have another drink, but those two bright pink glasses of hard liquor were enough for Wanda. After downing the last drizzle of the cocktail, Pietro couldn’t walk straight. God, he couldn’t walk straight, he couldn’t really think, but he felt like a goddamn _king_. (Queen, he guessed.) Nothing didn't sound good—he could go flirt with the guys eyeing them, start making out with Natasha, agree to sing karaoke with Darcy, follow Jane into her wormhole to fucking Asgard, give it to him. 

It started off so awesome. Darcy dragged (not because he didn’t want to, but because he actually couldn’t walk and it was wonderful) him up to the karaoke area, someone threw in ‘Toxic’ and he could finally fucking sing the song without having to explain why he knew all the words to a Britney Spears song, and he _nailed it_. The literal only better performance ever had been him and Wanda getting Relient K’s ‘That’s My Jam’ while Tony tried to teach Steve about ‘90s music through the song lyrics. 

Then, he fell off stage and everything started to suck.

#

If there was one thing Wanda learned while having Guys’ Night, it was that everything these guys did was vaguely gay. Like, in a way that seemed so ingrained in their being that it would take layers of explanation to ever get them to admit just how gay it was.

Not that gay was bad. Wanda just wished it was a _little_ less gay, because Pietro was now more or less gay.

“Come on, Clint, who's gonna be skins?” Rhodey asked as Sam, Steve, Clint, Bucky, Thor, Vision, and Wanda all gathered on the basketball court.

There was absolutely no reason they needed to play shirts versus skins, and Wanda had a feeling that it was because they all wanted to decide who looked the most fit. What, were they going to all change naked next, and verbally jump on each other to see who had the biggest dick? 

“Well, Vision can’t take off his shirt, so…Pietro, get over here, you don’t have inhibitions,” Clint said.

Wanda wasn’t so sure she could defend Pietro’s abs, but she’d do her best. She shed Pietro’s shirt and joined Clint. 

“Vision, get over here. You’re way better than abs,” Rhodey said.

How Pietro was she supposed to act? Pietro would be flexing right now.

Sam and Steve (much to Steve’s utter despair) were also put on skins. 

And that was when everything started to suck.

One minute Wanda’s just trying to figure out how to not run Pietro off the field and out of state, and the next she’s watching her teammates as they ran, pivoted, chucked and tossed the basketball. Every one of them, even Clint, whose best feature were his arms, had their muscles rippling beneath their skin. She’d snuck glances at the guys while training, but this was half naked men all around her, sweating and panting and Pietro’s stupid body had upped her horniness from maybe once a day to once an hour. 

“Pietro, heads up!” Steve called.

Wanda heard Steve, looked down, and realized she had a fucking boner. The kind Pietro used to mention in adolescent horror stories she never paid attention to, the pitched tent look and everything. 

_Fuck_. 

She was running back to the building before the ball even hit her.

She locked herself in the first bathroom she could find, and estimated that she had a couple minutes before they came looking for her. Maybe more if they looked in the kitchen first. She looked down, this body part she’d seen a fair amount suddenly terrifying. Pietro never talked about how he hid unwanted erections. There was probably a really logical solution to this, but her brain was frozen and all Pietro’s dick could offer was masturbating. 

She pulled out Pietro’s phone and googled it. There was a wikiHow page on it. Changing positions: no. Tucking: without a shirt, no. Not thinking: no. Cold water?

While thinking about the grossest of old men, Wanda ran into the kitchen, grabbed a handful of ice, returned to the bathroom, and stuffed them down Pietro’s shorts.

As expected, for an organ that could experience such sensitive pleasure, it hurt like _hell_ when the ice hit. 

At least the damn erection went away.

She returned to the basketball court after having resisted taping Pietro’s dick down. The guys glanced at her, Clint told her to keep her head in the game, and no one said anything. 

Some hour or whatever later, the guys all put their shirts back on and turned on the TV, threw on some game. Thank God Pietro didn’t care about sports because she couldn’t even pretend to be interested. Then, they assigned her to pick up the pizza they ordered.

The trip over wasn’t bad, but there was a bit of a line. Three, four people deep. Wanda took a deep breath. At least it’d keep her away from the game and having to pretend to be Pietro. Three people wasn’t bad.

Five minutes. She looked up from her phone, and the person who’d been up there was still up there. What was wrong with this guy? How long did it take to order a pizza? 

Ten minutes. The cashier got through two more people, and Wanda found herself watching the guy. His movements were so sluggish. God, even the way he _talked_ was slow. _Do—You—Want—A—Drink—With—That?_

_Uhhhhh_

Fuck. These people. These _people_.

_What—Do—You—Recommend?_

Silence. Dumb look. One, two, three, four, five seconds, six seconds, fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

The world was actually in slow motion. 

He picked a drink, and Guy Three came up. Guy Three said his order, and the cashier kid called someone else to pull up a slice of pepperoni. This was crazy. There was no way this kid was moving as slow as he was. It was like watching a bunch of human sloths. Not the cute kind. The kind Wanda honestly wanted to strangle.

He handed the pizza to the customer, and the customer’s eyes suddenly widened.

“Wait, Craig?” the guy exclaimed.

The cashier’s eyes widened. “Whoa, Jerry, I hadn’t recognized you! Damn, man, how are you?”

And then they started talking. Wanda put her phone in her pocket, or she would’ve smashed it. She balled her hands into fists, dug her nails into the skin. Just dear God, let this end. Contrary to popular belief, Wanda did not want to become a murderer right then. 

“Dude, you’re up.”

Wanda looked up, and the cashier was staring at him, wiped his nose with the back of his hand, eyes dead again. Wanda exhaled and walked forward.

“I have an order to pick up under Clint.”

The kid looked down at his computer, and just stared at the thing.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…

“What name was that again?”

_Breathe, Wanda._ “Clint. C-L-I-N-T.”

“Could you repeat the spelling? Sorry, went a little fast for me.”

_I could kill you a little fast._

She repeated the spelling, the kid called out a number to one of the workers, and Wanda slapped a credit card down before the kid could ask. The kid motioned to their machine, and Wanda swiped the card. It beeped a rejection.

“I think you got a card with the chip. Slip it in the bottom.” Wanda shoved the card in. “Hold it in until it beeps again.”

Wanda swore she waited years before the thing beeped.

She waited another three minutes for the food, and she used all, literally _all_ her willpower not to pull out Pietro’s hair, claw the palms of his hands, or punch through walls. Was this what Pietro felt like all the time?

Wanda took the food, offered the stupid kid a smile, and ran out the door.

She only ran far enough to where only nature surrounded her, deep into the area that hid the Avengers facility. 

She set the pizza and wings down, and started to scream. Clutched her hair, dumped her body onto the floor and stared to punch the ground. With knuckles bloody raw, she collapsed fully, curled into a ball, and screamed until her voice was hoarse.

“Jesus Maximoff, long line?” Clint asked as she returned to the guys.

Wanda was still twitching, even after her mental breakdown.

“I want to murder everything and everyone right now,” Wanda replied, setting the food down.

Clint opened the box and handed her a slice. “Eat away the pain, kiddo.”

#

After game night, Wanda dragged Pietro’s body back to their bedroom and waited for Pietro to come back. Pietro’s dick still wanted attention, and Wanda wondered if it’d be too weird to just masturbate until Pietro returned. It wasn’t like she hadn’t touched his dick before. Surely Pietro was going to steal one of her vibrators and go at it, if he hadn’t already.

Fuck it, she deserved this. What did Pietro do? Lotion and go? God, being a man was easy.

And it felt _so damn good._

“Knock, knock!”

Of course, saying “knock, knock” was not the same as actually knocking, and Wanda made eye contact with Darcy and Natasha, each of them holding up one of Pietro’s arms.

“Shit!” was all Wanda could manage to say as she sped into the bathroom.

“Sorry, man! I thought you were still out! Your sister got super wasted…and…might’ve gotten a concussion. No split head injuries, though, so that’s nice,” Darcy continued to say.

God dammit, Pietro! She was gonna kill him.

“Just leave…her on the bed,” Wanda said.

“Sorry again!” Darcy said. “Have a good night!”

“Darcy!” Natasha said, laughing.

“Ignore what I just said!”

And they were gone. Wanda left the bathroom and stared at her brother. Pietro rolled over, eyes glazed, a bandage on his head, still aware enough to laugh.

“You shoul’ fini’. Blue ballsa biiiitch,” he slurred.

“Right before we switch back, I’m spraining your penis,” Wanda hissed as she went back into the bathroom and finished what she’d started.

Highlight of her night.

#

“I’m sorry, I just think you could’ve warned me that being a girl was as great as it is,” Pietro was saying Saturday night.

Of course he’d be saying that. They’d just had sex, and it was the brag-able: a blowjob, modified CAT and vibrator play so Pietro could experience multiple orgasms. 

“You’re conveniently forgetting that the only experiences you’ve had as a girl are partying and sex.” She paused. “Oh, and wearing a dress. Can’t forget that.”

“I’m just saying that there are benefits.”

It took him two hours to regret that statement, and he regretted it screaming.

“Christ, Pietro, what’s wrong?” Wanda said, startling out of her skin even after not being able to sleep in Pietro’s jittery body. He only had to get up for Wanda to figure it out.“Calm down! It’s just period blood. Take the nightgown off and go sit on the toilet. I’ll be right in.”

To think she would’ve assumed Pietro would be used to menstrual blood living with her in close quarters for all the eight years she’d had it. 

While spit cleaning the blood out of her nightgown, she walked Pietro through cleaning himself up. With it being night, Wanda didn’t try to coax Pietro into wearing a tampon, but still had to set the overnight pad for him. Her face had looked less terrified while battling Ultron’s army in Sokovia than what she saw in Pietro’s expression those several minutes. She might’ve taken pity if he hadn’t been so obnoxious before.

Once there was no more risk that Pietro would stain anything else, Wanda threw her stained nightgown in the wash and returned to bed with Pietro. At that point, he’d curled himself into a little ball, whimpering.

“Why does this hurt so bad?” he whined.

“Welcome to womanhood,” Wanda replied. “Take what I give you and don’t ask questions.”

She made Pietro take a few Midol, and waited for it to take effect.

“Wanda…?”

“What?”

“What happens if we can’t switch back?”

Wanda smirked. “I guess you’ll have…between 333 and 360 more periods to go.”

“What?” His exclamation came with tears. He wiped the tears away as quickly as they came. “How do I get the smaller number?”

“Have three kids.”

“And give birth?”

“Yeah.”

“These are just normal woman pain and I’m dying. I can’t give birth!” More tears. “Wanda, God, I’m sorry! You were right, being a girl sucks! We can’t be stuck like this. We can’t—I’ll never—tell me when your period is, I’ll treat you like a queen! Just—” He broke into sobs. 

“Pietro, Tony will fix this. Take a breath; it’s the hormones making you cry.”

Pietro kept crying, and objects in the room started to shake. Wanda pounced on it, recognizing how her powers used to be in Hydra, and how that was how it was before everything exploded. She gave Pietro a bear hug, squeezing him, rubbing his back.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, ‘tro. Tony’s back early tomorrow, and we’ll fix this. The Midol will start working soon, and you won’t have to worry until morning.” Everything was still shaking. 

She kissed him, and everything ceased. Pietro relaxed under her, wrapped his arms around her upper back, tangled his legs into hers. She pulled away, planted a kiss on Pietro’s forehead like he always did to her, and relaxed as Pietro nuzzled into her.

#

Tony returned, and after he laughed enough to nearly cause himself to faint, he and Pepper fixed the cube and switched the two of them back. Pietro managed about two seconds of feeling his facial hair and grabbing his crotch before speeding out, but Wanda lingered a bit.

“Could you lock him out of this room in general?” Wanda asked them.

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m going to have lasting memories hearing all the stories the other guys will be able to tell,” Tony replied.

“By the way, why’s your brother so happy to be out?” Pepper asked. “Did a meninist hit on him?”

Wanda grinned. “Not quite.”

She took a slow walk back to her room, encountering Natasha along the way. 

“Thanks for getting this thing fixed, by the way,” Wanda said, motioning toward her head.

Natasha bit back a laugh. “You have no idea how much everything makes sense now. I always pegged you for more of an angry drunk.” She paused. “So, what’re you up to today?”

Wanda snorted. “Getting this damn maxi pad I had to stick on Pietro off, and appreciating the fact that I'm not my brother.”

Natasha’s eyes widened, and regained her composure only to start laughing. “That is too perfect.”

Wanda shook her head. “Poor idiot. He might need therapy.”

She opened their bedroom door.

Her poor, sweet idiot.

She took the chocolate bar and flowers off the bed, smiling.

 


End file.
